Do you know what I hate more than people who poop with the door open? I mean we are talking 'the people walking with past you with purpose because they know EXACTLY where they need to be and WHY...' and they breeze right past the bathroom door as though it doesn't exists or worse somehow it's presence is arbitrary to them; and they de-pants themselves, pop a squat and shit. WITH THE DOOR OPEN. They might possibly even call to you down the hall to come talk to them... WHILE THEY ARE SHITTING!
Omg. Yes, so there is only ONE thing I HATE MORE than THOSE people; and that is lying to myself. Proving myself wrong. I try not to make BLANKET or black 'n' white statements that lock me in or pigeon hole me. I learned at a very young age that my absolutes we frequently disproven, quite often by myself. "I hate ____________." Then, 2 years later, I decide I really like ____________. I may not have hated _____________ before... Maybe I just didn't know enough about __________ to make a decision about _____________ so hastily. Or maybe the mix-up was simple. Maybe I just changed my mind.
November, 2004
I got married for the first time at 19, mostly because I wanted to have my entire life mapped out before I started living it. Seems strange right, I am a free-spirit, artistic, gypsy right? SURE. Well the truth is, as much as I love to travel, enjoy life, pack light, get super dirty and wear bright orange.... I also really enjoy control. I enjoy feeling like I am IN-CHARGE of the direction the wind blows me. Welp, lesson learned. We are NEVER in charge. God, the Universe, LIFE - whatever you wanna call it, lets us make choices; but knows that other individuals make bad ones too - that effect us. Sometimes, things just HAPPEN that will ALWAYS be outside of our control. Just like a public shitter.
Anyway, I got married at 19 and ended as someone might expect. Terribly. I was in a physically and emotionally abusive relationship before I understood what that meant. And without hesitation I jumped into relationships right after that were equally dysfunctional. I told myself it would all be ok I just wouldn't get married again. But then I did. And even worse than the first, that one ended sooo painfully because I hurt everyone involved. So, that was it for me. The last straw. "I'm NEVER getting married again!" I never want to hurt anyone else, I don't want to fail anymore, it just isn't for me. It took some time but I had completely convinced myself that this was the way things HAD to be for a "person like me."
Interior, Office Day: Enter Nicholas. I thought I had done it. I thought I had the perfect solution to all of my problems. A "fun-time" guy. Someone I could have fun with, be friends with, and keep things light. The perfect person to remain "un-attatched" with. The ultimate oxymoron. The only flaw in my formula is that I didn't take in to consideration that maybe I had met my match, I would fall in love and quite possibly have found my partner for life. We spent months talking and getting to know each other as friends. When we actually met in person we hand amazing connection. The last four years have flown by. There hasn't been a full 24 hours that we've gone without talking to each other, or communicating in some way. We've had the worst fights. Gone through our own personal hells together and established an armory of our past baggage that we can draw from for any fight. And through it all. He's still my person. I've grown to understand more about forgiveness and love.
When Nick got down on one knee (well actually it was both knees) I was absolutely SHOCKED. We had always said we would NEVER. Then we started saying, well maybe someday. I had no idea what he was planning for a our little celebration trip to Mexico. The first words out of my mouth were... "Are you sure?!" Because we didn't plan on this. I was fearful about all of my issues in my past.
I guess the moral of the story is, You don't HAVE to get married. You DON'T have everything figured out, so don't always pretend do. Your story isn't all-the-way written. There are many more chapters to come. You determine the ending in the the little choices you make every single day. Choices to be positive, see the best in everyone, forgive, let go and move forward. Choices to leave your past behind and embrace what's in front of you. DON'T BE A MISERABLE COW! ANNNND NEVER SAY NEVER.
