By: Alison Capra
I am a nerd when it comes sociology. I pull apart human behavior, undoubtedly more than necessary, to uncover reasons; why, people do the things they do. It is has always been my goal to better understand human nature. In college, and out, I've taken courses trying to identify each individual person almost as a character in their own story. I generally convince everyone I meet to take a behavior profile test, adults and children alike. Dominant personalities - leading with a force of nature, are always being blamed for being controlling and cold. Truth be told, EVERY personality type has their own "go-to" method of control. Some just dig in their heels and become a stubborn mule, keeping EVERY one from doing ANYthing unless it's THEIR way.... But that's neither here nor there. The point of my banter is that you might digest this one nugget. Too often we release "bad behavior" to personality types or even our upbringing. I believe there are 7 things that are making us ugly people, and if we refuse to to identify them within ourselves we will become a BIG BAD BITTER BITCH.
I truly believe that unforgiveness is the number one reason people are afflicted with ulcers, cancer, and just about every other terminal illness. Emotions play a huge role in our physical bodies. The way we process or refuse to process or emotions... the way we cope, or refuse to cope, can eat away at us from the inside out. We have ALL done wrong to someone in our lives. I can say personally, over the years I have probably hurt just as many people as I have helped. Forgiving yourself is step one. Letting go of your past, releasing yourself from your mistakes and wrong-doings. If you can't forgive yourself, your past will haunt you forever. Next, we have to forgive others. It won't happen overnight. Pain and suffering are not your friend. Each day you spend playing things over and over again in your head, will destroy you. You will always be captive in the prison of your own mind, until you forgive, let go and move forward. Jonathan Houie said "Forgive others not because they deserve forgiveness, but because you deserve peace."
The definition of entitlement is: the feeling or belief that you deserve to be given something. A sense of entitlement complex is linked with narcissism and borderline personality disorder. YIKES! Everyone born in the U.S.A. is guilty of this to some extent. Thinking that ANYONE owes you ANYTHING, for ANY reason is a good indication that you are entitled. This is the very, very, lush, nasty, moist breeding ground for the BIG BAD BITTER BITCH. Comparing yourself and what you have to others is a surefire way to discontentment. Dissatisfaction is a nasty little word. And while we all want to work hard and strive to do our best in life, and achieve wonderful things; that isn't the way that it always works out. Life isn't fair. The truth is, YOUR feelings are NOT the most important on earth. Only those with emotional intelligence, and a sense of gratitude can properly identify the harsh reality that the feelings and emotions they are having are a chemical reaction to a conditioned perspective brought on by a consistent negative thought pattern. GET YOUR HEAD OUT OF YOUR ASS. Do mother's get rewarded for ruining their bodies, sleepless nights, countless meals, clean-ups, and endless work? No, each special moment that they share with their children is a gift. And such is life. NO ONE OWES you anything. Look at EVERY good thing that happens to you as a gift, and not a reward.
3. Jealousy - Green Eyed Monster
I have a friend rule. No one really knows it but my life partner :) If EVER a friend or acquaintance starts a sentence with "Oh my gosh, I'm so jealous" of anything they hear or see me do in life... We are no longer close friends. I don't know who raised them, but clearly they inherited a chip on their shoulder. If you are incapable of rejoicing with your happy friends when something wonderful happens to them, then you ARE a BIG BAD BITTER BITCH. When they get a promotion, take an expensive trip, win $100, HELL, even get laid. BE HAPPY for your friends. If you feel a tinge of jealousy creeping in, just remember, you're human, it's ok, practice saying this: (when you hear good news): "OMG I am so happy for you." It's the only way to pierce the green eyed monster right dead in the eye. One of my favorite quotes: "A creative man is motivated by the ability to achieve, not by the desire to be others." Get out of the rat race. Stop trying to keep up with the "Jones." Focus on your own shit.
By definition, helplessness is the inability to defend oneself or to act effectively. Powerlessness, the belief that you have less ability to change your life than you actually do. Your mind is a powerful thing, your body is a powerful thing, but you have to train it. If you feel insecure, take the time to develop yourself and you will inherit a new sense of confidence. WHAT IS THE ONE THING THAT NO ONE ON EARTH CAN EVER TAKE AWAY FROM YOU? Money comes and goes, people will abandon you, relationships end. I have lost homes, money, cars, marriages, friends... But the one thing that no one can ever take away from me is time and energy I have spent developing a skillset, learning new things, internships, learning from the best, and educating myself in my field. YOU ARE NOT A VICTIM. If you see yourself as powerless, you will remain that way and it will always be someone else's fault.
5. Waiting to "Arrive"
This has quite possibly been the biggest pill for me to swallow. The idea that at some point you will "ARRIVE" in your perfect home with white picket fence and 3.5 children. It's all going to be perfect right? Granite countertops? I had a brilliant childhood with loving parents. I am 32 years old. In my short life I have been married and divorced twice, raised 3 children, and moved 18 times since I turned 18. There I was, just got out of an abusive relationships only to realize I had no support. I made irrevocable mistakes. I was flat broke, sitting in a dark empty apartment next to a bottle of whiskey after a 12-hr shift, with no heat, in the dead of winter, watching my breath float in and out into the air... Just wondering when things would be better. Things the last decade weren't easy. The past 14 years of adulthood I believe I have been waiting for some sort of "bliss" to arrive. I worked my ass off for it. I spent my early twenties working 70 hrs a week... just to survive. Thinking that if only I got all the puzzle pieces to fit just right, if I did the right things and helped the right people, at some point life would get easier. Well as everyone knows, it doesn't always get easier. Some days are easier than others. Some weeks are more enjoyable than the one before it, but the idea that at some point the stars will align and fairytales come true will leave you very bitter in the long run. People will disappoint you. Friends, husbands, parents; they are just People. Here is what I've learned: YOU'VE GOT TO ENJOY THE JOURNEY. God has great things in store for you. I really believe that, but you've gotta enjoy the NOW. Live in the present. Change your perspective. Suddenly your eyes will enlighten to all the special little things you've been missing. I promise you WON'T be disappointed.
6. Being a Control Freak
Let life happen. Stop trying to control everything. I am so very guilty of this. I actually got TWO tattoos to remind myself in the midst of all of my "waiting for bliss to arrive" I was trying to forge a path through rock, on my very own, without a drill. Just climbing and ripping through rock with my bare hands and all alone. It was messy, painful but most of all... futile. It was Jim Watkins that said: "A river cuts through rock not because of it's power, but it's persistence." You see, "LET IT BE" doesn't mean I am encouraging you to "give up" on life, or become helpless. I am telling you that if you PERSIST in life, if you WORK hard, if you FORGIVE others, if you RELEASE a sense of entitlement, if you REJOICE with your friend's successes, if you DEVELOP a skillset, if you ENJOY the journey, if you RELINQUISH control; your path will cut through rock effortlessly (well almost ;)
Last, but definitely NOT least. (This is the part where I get super hippie and shit.) Remember to serve this universe with gratitude. God, your friends, your family, your boss, the people you meet everyday, show them gratitude. The peace, bliss, and power that you seek comes from within. Steven Aiatichson said "Successful people have a sense of gratitude, unsuccessful people have a sense of entitlement." It's about SO MUCH more than "SURVIVAL" it's about growth, it's about thriving.
The secret of work: “Just as water cannot wet the lotus leaf, so work cannot bind the unselfish man by giving rise to attachment to results.” Even though the lotus is rooted in mud, it continues to float on the water without becoming wet or muddy. This aspect of the lotus dictates how humans ought to live in this world – work incessantly but be not attached to the work and to the surroundings. Swami Vivekananda
We are all just passing through. Work your ass off, do you part. Nobody OWES you anything.
BE GRATEFUL FOR EVERYTHING! NOBODY likes a BITTER BITCH. ;)